Member-of-the-bar (lawyer) jokes

The Foo and I get confused about the identity of, so we decided to give equal time to the “member of the bar” meaning of the name.  ‘Seemed only fair.  Besides, we hear a lot of lawyer jokes too.

Here’s how a few of them start off…

Who’s first?

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (no, not THAT one, dearly beloved).

Cherry tree

 “George?  “Yes, father.”


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

True words

The following are actual statements made during court cases.


A big-city lawyer was duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence… As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

Grass is greener

A young lawyer was driving his new Lexus when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He stopped and got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food.”, the poor man replied.

Not so dumb

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Lawyer FAQ

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?